What is Marriage?

Dear Me,

• I trust you with everything. 
• I've shared everything with you, with no judgement from your side.
• I love how you're genuinely happy when I tell you my happy stories.
• You always listen to my endless and irritating rants. And I mean listen, listen.
• You always make me smile.
• I know I'll never be bored with you.
• No matter how much time we spend together, how much we talk, I'm always left wishing for more. 
• But while I'm left wishing for more, I love that you understand when we need space.
• I'm a better person because of you constantly pushing me and encouraging me to do things out of my comfort zone.

...and you want me to let all this go?

Love,

Me

(Was that a bit creepy? Like a psychological thriller?)

I do all these things to myself and fail to understand why I need someone else in the equation to fulfill that. Why is marriage such a huge topic of discussion in our society, immediately after a job is found? Is there no room for the above...at least for a few years? Are we not meant to make a life for ourselves and live it, before we add someone else to the equation? Why do have to always be dependent on someone for life to move on? Why can't we make our own actions, hardships and thoughts work for us?

As an almost 23 year old woman, I find the topic of marriage (or commitment in general) a very minuscule part of my life. There are way more important things on my mind - How can I spend more time with my family? Where will I be five years from now in my career path? How do I settle down in my new job? How to I adapt to the new environment I'm in? Who are my friends? Where do I visit next year? 

This isn't a feminist rant (I'm not a feminist) or a vent session from personal conversations at home. My parents kinda think the way I do. Yeah the topic comes up, but I think having had two daughters, they sort of understand where I'm coming from. They encourage me to be independent. Now don't think marriage is dependence. It's not. I can't speak for marriage right now, but I can't speak against it either.

The whole point of this long rant is - marriage should not be an ultimate goal in life. Marriage should not be a topic of discussion for any woman or man aged below 28 (unless they consent it, then yay, good for you). Marriage should not be looked down upon either. 

Marriage and commitment should not be feared, but should not be the center of attention either.

Please note that these are personal opinions. Please feel free to voice your own in a comment below or email me :)

Feminism

The time for women has arrived. Every woman is able to speak for herself. And that's fantastic. Feminism has finally come through.

But Feminism is one thing...and being extreme is another. I recently read an article that gave me mixed feelings. In summary, it spoke about various Indian (or Hindu) marriage traditions and how they affect women negatively, such as the Kashi Yatra, a ritual in South Indian weddings, where the groom"goes away" to learn more and the bride's parents have to ask him to stay. The author questions, why can't the bride go away?

Now, I'm not one who is well versed in Indian wedding rituals and neither have I witnessed many Indian weddings to comment on all this. But I found many of the arguments in this article a bit too extreme...I mean, these are all old traditions that have been in practice for years. And we all know that in the past, there was the repression of women. But today, we choose to follow these traditions in marriages. But we don't have to.

Taking on traditions from the past and bringing them up in a current era where they hold no meaning towards women and their repression is something, I personally think, is stupid (sorry, I generally don't blatantly comment on other people's work, but this one really was silly). Furthermore, I don't see the need to constantly remark on the idea of feminism. Yes, there are many places where women are still repressed...but I think we've come a long way since 2013. There are so many NGOs, celebrities and even regular people who help towards women empowerment. We have reached an era where women empowerment or gender equality is not a major issue in many communities. I do agree that it has not been completely eradicated.

Writing articles on rituals that have been in practice for a long time, that don't even matter today is pointless. It's important to focus on real issues - child marriage, rape, women abuse...

And if this still does not convince you, get a court marriage done. But don't criticize your own (or other's) traditions and rituals. The actions of it do not matter anymore. Many rituals die out after sometime. No one is asking you to bow down and follow them. You can choose to do so or not. And on that note, Mom and Dad, you are most definitely invited to my wedding. I want you to see me go through all these traditions and laugh through them as we do so. Because they're just rituals...and after the wedding, it shall all go back to normal...because I will be a working woman...something that was not so common eras ago.

Dating and All That Jazz

Recently, I've been thinking. Dating is a concept that's very common these days. It's nice to be in a relationship with someone. Thing is, men think differently about it and women think differently about it.

When men date, they go with the flow, which is probably good at times. It's good to be relaxed in a relationship. Take things slow and the way they come. Women, on the other hand, always think about "where this is going". Are they going to get married? Are they going to break up? How many kids are they going to have?

I may be wrong. Like I've said earlier, I base most of my thoughts on stereotypes.

Having said all this, have you noticed how people merge to be one when they're dating? They start sounding more like each other - the way they talk, their opinions, those tiny annoying habits. It's creepy. Suddenly, you start seeing one body and two heads. Creepy.

Mind you, this is only when it comes to dating. When people are married, the body starts separating and they start getting more comfy with each other. Why? Because there is a legal contract binding them together. Muhahahaha!

Discover Yourself
Photography By Author

Anyway, point being, when you're dating someone, you tend to lose yourself. Your identity, your opinions, your way of thinking, etc. It starts becoming "we think", "we like", "we want to do"...let me know if I'm wrong.

Ergo, if you're a teenager, and you're reading this, please, don't date. The teenage phase of life is when you actually discover who you are. Give yourself those years to create an awesome identity for yourself. Don't let someone else create your identity. If, by any chance, that someone leaves, you will feel like half of your identity is suddenly gone, and you'll go through a fucked up phase of what you will call "depression" and your friends around you will call "attention seeking". It's neither. It's just restlessness.

If you are in a relationship, just be careful not to lose yourself. Don't always nod your head to what your partner wants you to do. If you don't like something, express it. After all, your partner needs to love you. Not an ideal you that you're making for him/her. Let people appreciate you for who you are. Don't create someone you don't know. It will bite you later on. 

The Stages of Life

The reality of life hurts,

      1.       As a child, you will fall down and hurt yourself

      2.       As a school kid, you will have no best friend

      3.       As a teenager, you will have some fucked up hormonal and emotional swings

      4.       As a late teenager, you will be used and dumped

      5.       As a mature adult, you will work your ass off day and night

      6.       As a mother, you will give up so many things just to stay home and make it a home

      7.       As a father, you will work so hard to provide for your family

      8.       As a sister, you will have endless arguments about silly things with your siblings

      9.       As a wife/husband, you will have to make many sacrifices

      10.   As an old person, you will be bored of life

 But there’s always a “but”

      1.       But later on, you will show off your scar and remember how you stayed strong through it all.

      2.       But, you will have a group of friends with whom you play “mud”.

      3.       But, you will always remember your first crush.

      4.       But, you will never realise how you’ve probably done the same to someone else.

      5.       But, the money is so totally worth it.

      6.       But, it is worth it when your husband and kids say, “Oh what lovely sambar mom!”

      7.       But, it is worth it when your kids grow up and are a success thanks to your education.

      8.       But, it’s the advice sessions that really count!

      9.       But, these sacrifices are what make it work.

      10.   But, you’ll learn to reflect upon the last 9 points of your life and accept that fact that “Life is good. I have lived my life.”

Express Yourself

So I haven’t blogged in a while. I was on holiday. And then exams came in the way (they still are in the way but it’s a good stress buster to blog. There are other ways too but for that you can refer to my other blogpost, 10 Things I did Last Night Instead of Studying).

First of all, Happy New Year! It’s 2013 and we can finally get over the whole “The world is ending” crap. The world will never end. Period.

So this post is an inspiration from the recent trip to Zambia. It was a rather short one but it was eventful. Lots of ups and downs, realisations, responsibilities, advice sprees, catching up with old friends, realising who your friends really are, hanging out with kids and realising they’re not kids anymore and so on.

But the most important lesson I learned when I was there is that priorities change. Yes. They do. As you mature, so do your priorities. 4 years back, my priority was to make the guy that I am in love with realise that I am in love with him. And for some reason, I wanted him to love me back. Today, I look back at that 16 year old and laugh. What kind of shitty priority is that for a 16 year old girl? I didn’t even understand what love was at that age.

Today, my priority is to do well in my exams. I have to do well. Why? Because I finally realise the amount of efforts my parents are putting in to educate me. I mean, some people out there do not even have the opportunity to be educated. Why should I throw my opportunity down the drain? Plus, my second (and main) reason is that I LOVE MY COURSE. I know what I want to do when I am done. Which is why I cannot wait till I am done!

But who knows, tomorrow my priority could change. I may be married and my priority would be to make breakfast for my husband. Gosh. To even think of that is not a good feeling. No. My husband shall make his own breakfast.

Anyway, point being, even though your priorities do change, just remember that you shouldn’t change. If you want to do well in your exams, do well – study hard, work hard but keep time for some relaxation too. Let the information sink in. Remember, “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” On the same lines, if you get married or get a girlfriend/boyfriend, spend time with them – make them feel special, treat them like they deserve to be treated; but keep time for your family and friends too…your parents, siblings, good friends, etc.

Life is too short to sit and prioritise all the time. Don’t let maturity or age affect your priorities. Sometimes, let go, live life and be spontaneous. Friends come and go, girlfriends come and go, boyfriends come and go, exams come and go, jobs come and go but relationships? Family? Good friends? They’re here to stay forever. If you’re reading this, take out our phone or open Facebook. Message your mom or dad or best friend and just tell them that you love them. Life is too short to wait. Express yourself. 

Love, Marriage and all that

Recently, my sister and I were talking about marriage. She told me, "You have to get married. But not early." And I was like "Cool cool." all chilled. Then she says, "Find a guy from Canada! Then we can live together." And I was like "Cool cool."

Again, I have a cool mother. She said, "Anu, please find yourself a boyfriend." And I was like "Cool cool." (Bet you guessed my reaction). Mom continued, "But he has to be Hindu, Brahmin, Iyer if possible, okay?"

Sigh. Do you fall in love with specifications? It's not like I am going to ask the guy before I fall in love with him, "Are you Iyer? Do you live in Canada?" I'll just fall in love. I am not going to fall in love with him because of his geographical location but because of his personality; how he is as a person, how he treats me, what he likes, what we share in common and so on.

I recently read a quote:

"Much of the pain in life comes from having a life plan that you've fallen in love with, and when it doesn't work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan. If you want to tame your inner demons, you must not become too attached to any particular life plan, and remain open to there being an even better, happier life plan."

Therefore, I cannot plan who I fall in love with. I can just fall in love.

Having said that, the rate at which I am going, I will eventually end up marrying someone my parents choose for me anyway. So this blogpost is for people who still believe they can find someone on their own :P Peace and love to one and all :)